searching for a guide through life

Hot tears.

Numb pain.

She just started asking about me. You don’t know how elated that makes me feel. I can’t wait to get to know her. To get to spoil her. To get to teach her. To get to show how much I care.

But now… I have to hold back. I’m afraid to let myself get ahead of myself. I’m afraid to become too attached. Especially when I don’t know how all this will work out. I’m not her mother. I never will be. I don’t even know if her father and I will make it.

I miss my dad. And my mom. There’s so much I have to tell them. So much I need to ask, that I need to know. But I’m afraid. Even though they know about my depression. Even though they know how much I love them. I’m afraid to make it all worse and saying nothing somethings is better than saying anything at all.

I still remember the first time I cried to him. I told him I couldn’t hear God. That’s what made me cry.

I can’t stop crying.

I can’t call out sick from work because being so depressed that you think about killing yourself — that’s not a real excuse. You can’t call out for feelings. And according to him, there’s never a day when I’m not having a bad day.


Happy Valentine’s Day.


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  1. I’ve read ur blog peripherally for years. Today I am very worried about u. The young woman whose smart with bold dreams is increasingly losing herself to depression. Please seek a counselor or a pastor. Even if u feel like u can’t hear God, he is listening. Trust me. He loves you and did not put you in this world to have ur gifts supressed by sadness.

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