searching for a guide through life

Ahhh… I love xanga. Why? Because on Facebook I have to constantly edit myself because of family members, coworkers, bosses, etc. My twitter and my wordpress blog are focused on showing a casual but professional side of me. Xanga, which I try to keep as private and anonymous as I can (without just going straight to a literal paper journal), is the one place I can just be totally random and off the wall and straight up real. LOL

So random thought of the day: Why is it that when women talk about sex in a public forum they’re labeled as sluts, fast, loose, crude or inappropriate … BUT when women talk about discuss pregnancy or having babies to others it’s acceptable and just darlingwhatevah

Babies are the result of sex. A woman (most of the time) gets that blossoming baby bump because a man stuck his penis inside her vagina and ejaculated.

Maybe I’m just hating because I haven’t been blessed with pregnancy yet or because I really really miss working around people I could be blunt with but I’m getting sick of all the baby talk at my job. One of my coworker’s daughter-in-law just had a baby (her first grandchild) and another’s daughter is pregnant. Another coworker’s sister went into labor today. Before that, it was a coworker’s wife having a baby. Before that, my boss’s wife.

Great, people. You — and your relatives — have sex. But I don’t go into work and talk about my sex life. Why do I have to go into work hearing about … well, anything pregnancy related. 

Not trying to knock on the process of creating human life, but it irks my nerves. And grinds my gears.

The work environment at my job really contributes to the inner stress I feel at work. Once at a former internship, the one I used to literally cry about several mornings before going in, my supervisor told us interns that it was not good to get comfortable. I think what she meant was to not get lazy with the work or unprofessional or lax on the rules and how things were done in the office. But the way it was construed to us was: Don’t feel relaxed here; don’t feel at home. Of the four interns, one was fired, one quit and one left for a better position somewhere else. I was the only one who stuck with it the entire 10 weeks. The only time I really felt comfortable was when I was out to lunch or to drinks or something with the other interns.

I now freelance for that same publication. confusedclueless

See I know that when you work for someone else — hell even working with clients/customers as an entrepreneur — there’s going to be that certain image or degree of professionalism that you should maintain, meaning you might have to put aside pieces of your personality or step outside your comfort box. But damn, I just feel like such a complacent, dulled out hollow of myself at my work. I still smile and try to be fake cheerful. I still do a good job. But the authentic Nicole isn’t there at all. No one knows me beyond the superficial surface. I guess that’s also why I have no friends at work.

I miss working at the cafe. Gosh, I know it was far from perfect (who wants to be paid $2.13 an hour — not counting tips), but I really miss the social atmosphere. It never bothered me then when someone talked about pregnancy or their kids. And I could talk about sex to my coworkers or even my bosses without it being “inappropriate.” In fact, five years ago, my dude was one of my supervisors at my job. Ha! I was very comfortable there, I was genuinely myself, I had friends and a social life, and I still did a damn good job.

I miss that.

I need a better job.

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