searching for a guide through life

What to say…

Can the world just pause for a week so I can recooperate and gather my thoughts and make a plan going forward? Nope? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Time keeps on ticking.

Guess I just have to keep up. I got a claim filed against me on my auto insurance for the first time in my life. Some idiot parked real close to me at the gas station and decided to fling his car door open as I was exiting the station in my car. Somehow his door snagged against the body of my car right behind the rear passenger tire and I didn’t know it and was moving forward. A freak accident for sure, but it just frustrates me because I had such a great driving/insurance record and I just having a feeling that this is going to be one of those situations where even though it wasn’t my fault, they will judge that it was my fault.

I had to not let it stress me out though and just file it under “life isn’t fair.” I’ve been trying to keep a positive outlook with everything and take heed of the bigger picture. If I didn’t, things would be so much worse off. This world that we live in … is harsh. Although I don’t typically comment on things going on in the mainstream media, the Trayvon Martin case has really shaken me up. And it’s just one piece of it all. The world we live in seems to be so racist and hateful and unfair. I was born blind to race and blessed to be living in an era where slavery and “seperate but equal” only existed in my history books. But racial injustice is everywhere now. Not just in the south, not just in isolated incidents. And I shouldn’t just say racial injustice. It’s social injustice. Against women, Muslims, homosexuals, poor people… I also never thought I’d see war in my lifetime. Thought that was just in the history books too. But we’ve been fighting a war overseas for what — a decade now? And why? Please tell me why. Because I don’t even understand it.

Last night as Justin and I were driving by to look at a house, we passed what appeared to be a homeless lady at a busstop bench being hassled by police. Ridiculous. I told my man that I am so grateful of all that we have. Even though we may feel dissatisfied by not having all we want yet — it could be so much worse off.

I thank God for all He has blessed me with.

That’s why I just need to not let the “small things” sweat me. I’m anxious about how I’ll get my freelance assignment done, but I know I’ll get it done. And if it doesn’t end up exactly how I’ve pictured in my head or how the editors have pictured in their heads, it will not be the end of the world. The worse that can happen? They tell everybody they know that I’m a bad writer (which they know I’m not, because I’ve proven in the past that I’m excellent) and I don’t get paid for the assignment. That is not the end of the world.

I’m so worried about quitting my job because I see it as a career setback — even though what I’m doing, where I’m working and who I’m working with is adding to the deterioration of my mental and physical well being. I’m spending years on something I don’t want to give up because I fear what’s next. That isn’t me. That isn’t right.

I may not exactly know where to go next but I know where I shouldn’t be now. And I’ve known that for a while now.

Lord, please find favor and grant me the courage I need.

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