searching for a guide through life

I am still working on learning the lesson that it’s okay to embrace things/ideas/decisions/people that are not 100 percent perfect yet.

Hell, I’m not perfect but I’ve always had this thing where I double check my work, think before I speak and speculate the possible negative consequences of a decision before I make a choice. I’ve always colored inside the lines, so to speak, but even more, I’ve always reviewed the whole picture before even picking up the crayon with which to color.

It’s a bit of a problem.

LOL. And I say that only because life will be over and done with if I choose to wait until things are just right before I choose to live.

This is what falling in love for the first time taught me. And I’m STILL trying to learn this lesson. I fell in love for the first time when I was 12. Nothing ever came of it though because I kept stalling on making my true feelings known. I was waiting for the right time and the right situation. At the time, it was like everything was against us. He was a “bad boy” and my friends didn’t think that’d be good for me. We ran in different social circles at the time (although just a few years before we were friends). We were in different schools. We were too young. I didn’t make it to that school dance. I fooled myself into thinking there would be a better time in the future. That the perfect time would come. I thought he’d always be around, that I was meant for him and somehow, someway we’d find ourselves together — and we’d be great.

The truth is the only thing that held me back was myself.

He could have rejected me. We could have had a relationship that failed. But looking back now, I’ve been rejected and I’ve had failed relationships and none of them brings me more regret than the time I chose not to do anything at all. In fact, I’m proud of how maturely my relationships ended – and still respect, appreciate and like the dudes I didn’t end up with. The hurt I’d once felt after being rejected holds no sting at all and I never find myself thinking about those guys. First.love still plagues my mind.

I don’t want to live with that type of regret ever again.

That’s why I need to learn to embrace the imperfect.

Moving to Atlanta — not a perfect decision. Besides the whole leaving a full-time job and a stable place to live issue (and those are pretty big issues), I’ve always been a small-town suburban girl and I love it. I don’t like Atlanta. Not really. While I think it’d be neat to live/work in a city temporarily, I honestly don’t want to do that for life. Even the outskirts of the city there (where I’d most likely be living) is too busy for me. I’d describe it as the suburbs on crack. And I’m not sure how being in an environment like that will change the dynamics of who I am or how my relationship is. But I know the move is not something to pass up because I won’t have forever with my grandparents and I want to make the most of my time with them now.

Speaking of my relationship — there is a real voice inside my head that says we will not get married this October. Just like we did not get married last October. That we’ll still be together and in love with each other but that somehow entering into legal matrimony will be pushed to the wayside because now is not the right time. Moving may put our job situations up in the air, which may stress our financial situation, which in turn stresses the relationship usually. We still haven’t conquered our trust issues or some of the other challenges we repetitively encounter that bug me. And how will I get over my hang-ups on wanting to have the perfect wedding? I can easily get in my own way with this. Yes, it’s true that I worry we’ll turn out like my parents or like his parents — both still married but in what I’d consider less than ideal marriages. I want my marriage to last forever and I do worry about divorce. But when it comes down to it — five years together may not be a lifetime but I’ve been with him long enough to know that I do want to share the entire rest of my life with him as my best friend and as my closest family member. I don’t want to hold myself back from my happily ever after.

The same thing with having kids. I see old friends, classmates, coworkers having kid after kid and honestly, I’m super jealous because I really feel like it’s in my life’s destiny to be a Mom. I could accomplish every professional goal I set for myself but if I don’t have kids, my life will be empty. I could wait until I’m legally married, living in a house and having a stable job before I have children. That would be the “right” thing to do. But I don’t want to be in my 30s just trying to have a baby for the first time. There’s already a 7-year difference between my future husband and I. And even if I were to discover I’m with child tomorrow (which is pretty unlikely), by the time the baby is born, there would already be a 9-year difference between my stepdaughter and her younger sibling. I can’t do anything about that age gap, but I’d rather not keep increasing it. As it is, if I am having kids into my late 30s or early 40s like an increasingly amount of women are doing these days, we could have a grandchild around the same age as our child. shocked If all these other chicks are having babies in their teens and very early 20s and are making it, I know I can do it … even if I’m not 100 percent prepared.

Family is most important in my life. And I’ve experienced enough to know that all our tomorrows are not guaranteed. So it’s time to start living life now. Perfect can catch up later.

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