I am not a morning person.
I want to go back to sleep but it’s almost noon midmorning and I feel like my mind won’t let me go back to sleep even if I lay still on the couch with my eyes closed and tried. I’m on the couch because that’s what doubles as my “office” when my bedmate is asleep in the bed. (You try conducting a professional interview on speakerphone while your partner is snoring in the background.) When honey is up and about, the bed is usually my office because — I have no real office! (And for some reason I’m adverse to using the dining room table.) Anywho, I got up at 8 today on my day OFF (gasp) to work on this freelance assignment which I consistently refer to as the freelance assignment that sucks. There is no story there. At least no new story. And I’ve tried to explain that to my editor but she doesn’t care. The complexities between writer and editor are deep. I’ve been in both roles, understand and respect both roles, but sometimes the two clash. I will have a story to turn into to her, but it’s going to be one that I’m going to wish I didn’t have to put my name on. Why? Because there is no real story – at least not yet – and editor doesn’t want to wait a few months down the line when there will be a story to write about. What I’m dreading is that the story will be scrapped and I won’t get paid for my work. It won’t be the end of the world if I’m not paid for it (because I do think the story should not run now) but I’m neurotic and I think worst case scenario about everything. Worse case scenario? She hates what I turn it and not only doesn’t pay me but decides never to work with me again and to tell everyone she knows in the journalism world not to work with me again. The more likely reality? I’ve seen them salvage seemingly “bad” stories written by interns and some by freelancers — heck, I’ve even edited my share of them while interning there — and still run them. This is my profession and even if I feel the story is untimely and nothing to write home about, it won’t be poorly written, that much I can attest to. If I’m not paid for my efforts? Won’t be the end of the world as this is currently my “side gig”. And if I get blacklisted from all media? 1.) I’m about to change my name anyway when I get married. 2.) I’m not even sure I want to continue on in the traditional journalism world. 3.) Hundreds of good stories with a couple bad stories sprinkled in does not make someone a bad writer. It just makes them human.
When it comes to my work ethic, I’m such a perfectionist that any wrinkle in that makes me unsettled. Which of course brings the anxiety full force and even though I know I need to calm down it doesn’t stop my body from physically processing the stress. And it doesn’t stop my mind from harping back on the issue every five minutes.
Ugh, I want to just get over it already!
I’m hoping this move is really the fresh start that I need in my life at this time. My family is happy for me but both my main man and I don’t feel like we’re ready for this move. I’m really going to miss living here. Last night we went out to our city’s newest casino (we have 9) and then drove along the water watching everyone on the beach setting off fireworks. I told my dude that besides the threat of hurricanes, our city is the ideal place I’d want to live and raise our future kids. The only problem is we have no familial connections here. Family is very important to me. And although our immediate families both live elsewhere (nj/ny/fl) we have a lot of relatives in the new city. You never want to think about the possibility of loved ones passing away but the death of my godsisters’ grandpa late May really shook me up and just made me want to be able to be around my grandparents more while I can. I mean, one visit every two years will not cut it. Just imagining going to church every Sunday with my granny and then having Sunday dinner together brings a smile to my face. I can always come back to where I’m living now on vacation in the future.
Besides the family reconnection, I’m praying this move is a chance to restructure my career path. Since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to write books. I ended up in my current career path because I made a decision while I was in high school that becoming a journalist would be better at directing me to a future job path than just just majoring in English. My original major in school was bio because my initial mindset (which lasted through the college application process) was to study to be a physical therapist — something I later decided I could do but wasn’t my true passion. That is now how I feel about journalism. I’m not sure how I’ll fare at leaving corporate stability for the chance to make it as an author but now’s a good a time as any to try.