searching for a guide through life

OMG. This week will be the last week at my current job. My heart is kinda saying yippie skippie because I’ve been wanting to get out of that job for a while, but I’m nervous about the uncertainty of what lies ahead and I’m sad because I’m REALLY going to miss Mississippi. I love my Mississippi. I love being by the water. I love the mix of the people, the attitudes of the people. I love the culture here. I love the small city atmosphere. This is my birth place. This is home. And I will miss being here. Still, I’m leaving. I may not have planned out this move properly at all, but what’s done is done. I made this decision with the best of intentions so I have to believe it will work out. I made it to be closer to family and to be able to settle down and have my new family close to relatives. While my parents and siblings are still up north and much of hubby’s family is in Fla., I have a feeling we’ll get visitors a lot more often than we did living here. Maybe even get some of them to follow the trend and move to Ga. And hopefully making a smart real estate investment will free up some disposable income down the line and we can plan more trips.

I have big plans for what’s ahead. Family-wise? Marriage and hopefully babies. I’m hoping I’m pregnant right now. I’m “late” but I’ve never been regular so going five or six weeks (or more) without bleeding isn’t atypical. I’ll give it another week before I take a test. I’m so sick of peeing on a stick only to have it tell me I’m not with child. I’m still trying to figure out what my role will be as a stepmother. I can only imagine the difficulties of co-parenting with someone with whom you no longer have a relationship. But it’s a whole ‘nother thing being a “non-parent” trying to fit into a parent role along with someone you’ve never had a relationship with at all who has full custody of the child. Even though I’ve yet to meet my future stepdaughter, I already love her with all my heart and I pray for her every day.

Now career-wise … my plans are a bit more hazy. I’m leaving my job for a reason and the last thing I want to do is jump right back in a similar situation and have it continue to contribute to the determent of my mental health. Honestly, I’m so nervous about applying for jobs. But the pressure is on, because I need a good job, no “if”s, “and”s or “but”s about it. I’m still fighting with what I think I ought to be doing (what will look “good” for my resume) and what my heart wants. Ultimately I want to write books and own my own cafe. I hope I don’t get in my own way.

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