“Don’t look back.”
That was a piece of advice one of my (former) coworkers told me when they had a brief going-away thing for me at work yesterday. That sentence could be taken in so many different ways, but what I think she was telling me was to just go forth with my new life and don’t second guess my choice.
Of course I second guess. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t second guess. I really don’t want to leave. I really don’t want to go. But I am. This is the way I sort of throw myself into new situations in life. As much as I’m a planner, I’m not. I had schedules in high school chocked full with science and math classes because I had decided I was going to be a physical therapist until the last half of my senior year. The boyfriend told me the other day that this move is feeling just like when we left VA. He said he didn’t know we were leaving until 3 days before we did. I think it was more than that but yeah, it was pretty last minute. Sad to say, but it’s kinda how I roll.
Ok, so I get slightly distracted by the internet and jumped on Facebook in the middle of writing this blog post only to read something that reflects the reason I chose to make this move. (Because honestly, I ask myself over and over again why I’m doing this.) My aunt had commented on one of her cousins’ recent status updates. Her (the cousin’s) mother (one of my great aunts I believe) passed away today after turning 82 yesterday. I’ve never been good with death. And so far I’ve been fortunate enough to not experience anyone very close to me passing away. But being in Georgia with all my family the same week my godsisters’ grandpa died (and then a couple days later learning about the death of my godsister’s friend’s longtime boyfriend) just turned a switch in me. I have family all over – with my immediate family and my mom’s side concentrated in Jersey/NY/Philly and future hubby’s immediate family in the Tampa Bay region – but there’s a lot of relatives on both sides centralized in Georgia. I wish I can say that I know for certain that my grandparents will live long enough to see my grandchildren but I may not have the chance of having that many years with them.
Since I’ve left my parent’s home (besides brief stints in between semesters and such), I’ve never lived anywhere with family close by or where I physically spent time with family on a regular basis. I moved to VA for school and MS for work. This move is a totally different animal. It’s about me but it’s more than just being about me.
So even though I want to “look back,” I’m going to have to focus on the positives of what I’m calling this “new adventure” and just keep pressing forward.