searching for a guide through life

I am grateful.

I am very grateful and thankful to God for hearing my prayers and answering. I have two job interviews coming up and a chance to network with someone in the pr field and just discovered a particular house with buying potential.

But just like I was grateful for having my job even when I hated it, although I’m definitely grateful now, I still can’t find peace. Why do I let the negatives outweigh the positives, I don’t know but I need to find a way not to do this.

I’m not blending very well into this new life living close to family. I feel awkward and out of place with the very people I love so much. Part of it brings me back to freshman year of college when I had a single dorm and was always uncertain about when I should get out to hang out with others and stuff. I’m not sure how often I should be visiting my grandparents. I know I’m welcome there always, but I don’t want to interrupt their schedule and it really isn’t my home like that. Same thing with my cousin. Except with my cousin, my angst over things is even more awkward because I’ve always considered her like my sister and I thought our communication issues were due to distance. I thought once I got down here we’d hang out all the time and be much closer, but I’ve seen her like maybe twice since I’ve been here. I try to connect but she’s always off doing her own thing. I’m spending more time with my uncles but even that comes with its own set of drama. If I knew about the stress and drama within my family here before moving, I would have just stayed in Mississippi.

I still want that stable family life for Justin and I, but if we buy a house soon, I’m pretty sure we’ll be having roommates whether I’d like it or not. What I really want is for us to start our own family. And now it’s not just going on Facebook and seeing people get engaged and married and pregnant and have a kid — but people are on their second kids now. And I still can’t conceive my first. Maybe I’m truly not ready for a kid right now, but I can’t explain in words how bad I want to be a mom now. No one really understands how distraught I feel about not being able to get pregnant. My significant other already having a child only complicates things for me.

I love my boyfriend and this move has strengthened us as a unit I believe. But I miss great communication between us. I miss the magic of when we were first dating and the intimacy. I’m at that phase now. October is creeping up and I’ve halfway given up on us getting married then. I just don’t know …. much of anything.

I’m not using this time to follow my pursuits, like becoming a business owner or writing a novel or working out or being more involved in my community. I spend my time searching for full-time job security again, whether dream job or no. I’ve been putting off my freelance assignment because I’ve been busy with moving, settling in and then searching for a job. I thought the assignment would be so easy until I got the answering machines of both people I tried to interview today. I have like a week and a half, but what if I get the run around and can’t get anyone to interview?

While we’re on what ifs? What if I don’t get a job after my interviews? The load of stress shrugged off my shoulders after I got the call back, but what if a different job candidate is chosen? Money going out while money is not coming in is super stressful. I need a job.

I’m realizing more and more how uncomfortable I am in random social settings. I really want to cancel out of this networking thing tonight (which is also more money going out) but I have to suck it up and go. I’m a great worker and a great person, so why am I unemployed, living in a motel, barren and stressed?


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