Lately I’ve been kinda considering taking my journaling back to the paper format. I don’t know. There are good and bad sides to both keeping my blog here and bringing my personal ramblings offline. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Surprise, surprise. So in no particular order, here are some of my mind boogers.
Family. This move here has put me in more consistent interaction with family than I have had in years. Which is a good thing. But it’s all new to me, so I’m still adjusting. I’m still trying to find my place. And being in the midst of family drama is a whole ‘nother level of adjusting. It makes me uncomfortable to be in conversations about people when that person isn’t present (aka talking behind someone’s back). I don’t like secrets. I’m basically an impartial person so I never want to be on a side. And it’s just … a bit frustrating and awkward. I want all my family to be happy and successful and good and together. What I can do to get that to happen? I’m not sure. I met some of Justin’s family the other day, which was great. I really want to see his sister again – since she lives down here. And we really need to make a Florida trip but doing that while unemployed and living off the fumes of our dwindling savings is tough. It’s hard to justify an out-of-state trip when we’re unemployed and homeless… On the flip side – time waits for no man. His dad and brother have recently been in the hospital. Twin always seems tangled up in some kind of mess. I feel like I want to have a conversation with his mom besides just saying hi over the phone. And most of all, I want to meet his baby girl. I really get when they say time goes fast with kids because his baby is about to start third grade tomorrow. Yes, third grade! What the what?! Call me crazy (because I’ve never met her) but I miss her. I feel this incredible strong love for this little girl and there’s this ache in my heart not just from being childless but from not having her in our day-to-day life. She was 3 when I met her father and I feel like I’m missing out on her whole life. I’ve been a little girl before but I can’t say I know what it feels like to be in her shoes to have her dad live so far away with another woman or another family. My grandmother slipped up and called Justin my husband today. (She also said I seem like a little housewife, which I do feel like.) And yesterday morning my sister texted me giving me her blessing to elope. But I still have these weird hold-ups when it comes to getting married. It’s not that I don’t love him with all my heart. I do. Right now, I think it’s a combination of what I’ve seen with my parents’ marriage and us being so far removed from the honeymoon stage and not being able to do it the way I’d pictured with a traditional wedding. Ugh…
Work/Money. I fell in love with the company at which I interviewed on Friday. It’s the closest thing to a dream job I can imagine getting. I was super impressed and want it so bad. I think the interview went really well too, but now the ball is in their court. I don’t know who else they are interviewing and if maybe there is a better or more deserving person out there. I mean, I know I am super qualified and that I’d work my ass off but it’s hard out there for everyone. I feel like this is the job for me, but there could be another person in need of work out there saying the same things. They told me they’d be in touch so really all I can do now is just keep praying and keep waiting (and follow-up with an impressive thank you). Tomorrow I have another interview but it’s not in my field. It’s for a company I didn’t even apply to – they just saw my resume online and followed up with me – so I’m not as excited as the last interview. But I’ll take any job opportunity I can get. Today the pastor at church prayed for the unemployed searching for work and that really brought a tear to my eye. I’m hoping something works out soon. Money Is A Major Issue like usual. I’ve actually been avoiding looking at my account because it makes me depressed to see money going out and debt piling up and not having any income coming in. I won’t get paid for my freelance story (which I still need to finish) until a little over a month. I just need to be working. We found a house at a super low price but I feel like it’s impossible to get a house without a job. Sigh.
Personal hang ups. If I didn’t have enough ish going on, my self esteem (I guess you’d call it) is going down. I’m going through this “phase” of just feeling fat and ugly, similar to a phase that I went through in high school. I want to join a gym, but again that requires money. Being in this limbo phase means most my clothes are in storage so that doesn’t help this issue. I’m getting sick of my natural hair at times. And I’m balding. Yeah… I hate that I ever in life picked up a cigarette because although I don’t regularly smoke, I feel like I can’t say I’ve quit when I still turn to a cigarette to “deal with stress.” I’m considering celibacy (although I love having sex) because of my religious hang ups about pre-marital sex and because I don’t feel like my man is truly attracted to me anymore sexually. Or something like that. I miss my early 20s. I miss my social life from college and the immediate post-college life. I need to get on a writing schedule to work on my novels. I need a hobby, an outlet. And just like in Mississippi, I need some friends to hang out with.
So many thoughts. Oy vey.