searching for a guide through life

I just need someone to give me a chance to earn a respectable living.

I feel like this choice to move, while it had admirable intentions, has unraveled my life. I know I just have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and grind harder, but I just want to disappear in a dark hole of depression or find a solution that causes for feelings to temporarily go away. That optimism about having control over my life to chart my own path? I laugh at that. I mean, really, what was I thinking? Why couldn’t I just be satisfied with having a job? Why do I keep going off in search of something better? Yes, maybe the move from Virginia turned out fine and maybe I haven’t given myself enough time to let things fall into place, but I just want to go back in time and hit myself over the head before making this rash decision. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

My future husband has been great through it all, but to think what I singlehandedly did to our lives hurts me to the core. And it’s not like I can just go back. I feel so lost. I hate myself and that feeling is screwing up my productivity. 

How will I make this right?

I keep praying, but still…

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