searching for a guide through life

I remember on or around my 17th birthday “celebrating” by going dress shopping with my godsisters for my oldest godsister’s Sweet 16 birthday extravaganza to be held some three months later. I hated it. A plus-sized girl with tomboy fashion, trying on fruffy pink ballgowns was not my idea of fun.

Eight years later, I dread wedding dress shopping. I’m about 25 more pounds than I was then, and my height, of course, is the same 5-foot-3-inches. Wedding pictures last forever.

My 5th anniversary with my boyfriend is in 44 days. This is around the time period we had decided on getting married. My issue with dress shopping is just one of the many hang ups I have. I pitched a fit last night because we were watching the end of Cupcake Wars on the Food Network and the bakers were competing for the chance to have their cupcakes at a wedding rehearsal for a couple that met on Match.com. Now I love Cupcake Wars and he’ll normally grumble about watching it. This time, I was fussing at him to just change the channel. I wouldn’t even look towards the TV. In a normal state of mind, I would have thought it amusing how he was commenting on the cute cupcake arrangements and all. But I was all “Why are you watching something we’ll never get to have?”

As of right now, it is highly unlikely we will have a wedding rehearsal. We probably won’t have a traditional ceremony or any kind of decent reception. If we even do get married in a month and a half, it will most likely be at City Hall. The most important day of my life (which I will not have a chance to redo later) will be akin to filling out paperwork for a new drivers license. Yes, I am being over dramatic and in no way am I trying to discount those who have weddings at City Hall or through a Justice of the Peace, but that is truly what I don’t want. I can already feel the bad mood I will have on that day if that’s how it’ll turn out.

What else can I expect though? It’s too late to properly plan my dream wedding that would include all our closest family, good food, music and decor, and me in an awesome looking dress. I will not drop 40 pounds in 40 days. We don’t even have the money to begin to think about having a wedding to remember.

Sure, I can get married and then have a celebration later — but I’m really not sure how I feel about that. Eloping can be just as expensive as a wedding these days and I’m not sure I could go through with that either.

There’s always the decision to wait. Wait until our 6th anniversary or some random time in between then that will give us a different wedding anniversary than our dating anniversary (another something I wanted to avoid). But I cannot ignore the ticking clock that is me wanting to have a baby, and I don’t necessarily want to have a baby out of wedlock. And baby or no baby, I’m just sick of being the girlfriend acting like a wife. If you told me years ago that I would be with a man for 5 years and not be married to him, I would probably laugh. Then again, I used to hope I’d be a mother by now. Uhhhh…

I keep telling myself that it’s about the marriage not about the wedding but I am seriously hung up over this!

Is it that I’m not ready? At five years, how can I not be ready?


…. And this is just a microcosm of the issues on my mind these days. Could this mean a multiple blog entry day? Just maybe.

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