searching for a guide through life

Man, I’ve been trying to shake myself out of this funk because I realize that sitting idle being depressed is counterproductive. I just need to steadily keep grinding.

I’m still unsure what I’m going to do if this doesn’t pan out. I haven’t come up with a Plan B yet. Plan A was move to Georgia, get a job, buy a house and work on growing my family. Moving to Georgia was my first mistake. I have maybe a month left of savings before Justin and I will have to fold in defeat and see if we can move in with family. Which means we’ll have to be living apart. And moving in with relatives still won’t solve all the issues. We need jobs ASAP. I need a miracle now.

All the municipal employees working in the town I grew up in were given pink slips on Monday — including my mother. They still won’t know until another two months or so who the town will decide to keep and who they will really let go, but my mom says they will most likely lay off her entire department. I really was hoping to have a house of my own before it came to that. So if it came down, my mom would know she’d have a place to live. My parents have already been in a period of transition since their house was foreclosed over two years ago. We need to catch a break.

I keep saying how much how I want to have kids now but how am I ever going to support a kid if I can’t support myself? And because of dumb mistakes my future husband made in his past, I may have to be our household’s primary breadwinner for a long time. The thing is he’s an excellent worker and I’m an excellent worker, but unfortunately it’s not like we can force people to give us a chance on working a good job. I honestly feel like I’m chasing an American Dream that I’m not sure exists.

I can cry “woe is me” for hours, but it won’t help. Tomorrow I will be up again filling out applications and praying for relief from unemployment.

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