searching for a guide through life

I thought I was done writing on xanga. Haha. Old habits die hard.

I did start a Word file to save the old entries. Only 2 years into it and hitting nearly 400 pages. Gosh. Have thought about possibly using it as a raw draft for a book. Ha! Not sure if my life has been that interesting but it’s cool to go back in time … and I do love how much I’ve written. Writing = my love.

I wish I had all my old journals and the notes from my high school friends that I saved. The notebook with story ideas from when I was younger. My childhood baby doll and choo-choo train stuff animal that I saved and wanted to pass down to my future children. My high school diploma and the certificate for being salutatorian. All those photos I had saved in bags and bags to one day archive. All that was lost when we lost the house … and then lost the things in storage. I don’t talk about it a lot. I don’t even think about it a bunch. I’ve just moved forward. But a lot has crumbled over the years. A lot was lost. But we have each other. We have today. And, God willing, we have tomorrow.

It’s easy to be worried about tomorrow. I think I really wanted to write today because I came home to a quiet, empty house after hanging out spending time with my younger cousin and I really felt worried for her. Some of the things she told me about her life and the direction she wants to take it in concerns me. Not that I don’t think she will make it through in the end. We are ALL strong. It’s just I feel like she could be making it harder on herself. I want to give her advice, but at the same time, I don’t want her to feel like I am judging her decisions or trying to push her to a path that’s more my way. Everybody has their own way. I feel like once you get a certain age – she’s almost 20 – then you make your own decisions and choices. I just want to see the best for my family. And for myself.

As for my life … the conference last weekend really did change things. I went from orientation for my new position at work (my “promotion”) where my bosses outwardly showcased their negativity, hatred and inappropriateness to meeting 30,000 strangers who were loving, kind, ambitious, helpful, motivating and positive. So I have to try. I have to invest in my future and my family’s future. Like Tito Joey said, financial security is not promised even in a traditional job. I could be laid off tomorrow. The newspaper business is not so hot and working for companies who don’t even care about their employees, that’s the worst. I only get one life and one chance at all this. I keep seeing and hearing messages telling me to pursue my dreams. Don’t spend forever building up someone else’s.

Not counting internships or college work, I’ve been a professional writer for nearly three years now. That is how I’ve been making my income, paying my bills and putting food on the table. So why do I get my panties up in a bunch thinking it would be the most difficult thing in the world to write novels for a living? That’s what I want to do. That’s what I feel like would make me happy. I don’t have to be on the New York Time best sellers list. I don’t need to make a boat load of money. Fame and fortune are not necessarily what I am after. I’m not looking to be the next Nicholas Sparks, James Patterson or Stephenie Meyer. All that would be nice. But really, I just want to do it. I want to be able to say I’ve accomplished my dream. I just want to make a modest living to be able to pay my bills, put food on the table, provide for my family. I want to be able to be a role model for my daughter, so she can know that she can follow her dreams — and not just have to work a job she hates because that’s just how it is.

I think about her all the time. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. I never even considered the possibility of becoming someone’s stepmother. And now that I’m here, I realize I hadn’t ever fully thought of how difficult and complex this would be. And how absolutely amazing. I come from the most wonderful family. And then to fall in love with a man who not only fills my heart but comes from a family I love just as much as my own and who love and accept me like I am their own? The greatest thing.

I think I’m pregnant. I often do. I haven’t gotten my period since the first days of the new year. But seeing the negative strip on the test a couple weeks ago made me devastated. Again. I often feel like I’ll never experience life growing inside me. And that kills me. More than anyone can realize. But I have to speak positivity into the possibility.

I have to take action towards what I want.


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