searching for a guide through life

it’s been a long time. i shouldn’t have left you….

…and now that i’m here, i’m staring at my computer screen not sure what I should write about. oy vey..

i should be filling out job apps or doing my cover letter or gathering good clips to send out but i continuously self-sabotage. i’ve gone from “can’t stand this job” to “i’m kinda used to this now” and that’s dangerous. it’s dangerous because i know it’s not where i want to be. i’m not growing. i’m not making enough money to pay my bills independently. i’m not excited or proud about my work. the negative moods of my coworkers are toxic. and the list goes on.

i need a plan. so i’m not trapped in the hum drum of the simple day to day. i don’t want to look up five years later still in this same spot all because i just let life move forward instead of consciously living life.

it’s gonna be one tough cookie to be real though. cuz the shit i need to make happen in my life is big time. and though i can turn coal into diamonds if tasked by someone else, going hard for my own dreams, wishes, desires has often been a challenge for me.

 it’s officially been a year now since we’ve moved to this landlocked metropolis — and it still doesn’t feel like home to me. i’m still not used to it and i still don’t like it. i gotta get over that though. cuz it’s not beneficial to keep hopping around the southeast. homeboy detests moving. though i do kinda wish we lived in florida. i miss his fam a bunch. you’d think i was a banks. my heart is also aching for the mississippi gulf coast and nola. and those little wheels in my head keep turning when i read up on how va beach is such a great place to raise a family. i do miss my home by the sea.

but i’m here now. might as well make the best of it. while i continue plotting and planning…. hehehe

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