A*North*Star

searching for a guide through life

Sick, mad and bored. This sucks.

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I thought I was done writing on xanga. Haha. Old habits die hard.

I did start a Word file to save the old entries. Only 2 years into it and hitting nearly 400 pages. Gosh. Have thought about possibly using it as a raw draft for a book. Ha! Not sure if my life has been that interesting but it’s cool to go back in time … and I do love how much I’ve written. Writing = my love.

I wish I had all my old journals and the notes from my high school friends that I saved. The notebook with story ideas from when I was younger. My childhood baby doll and choo-choo train stuff animal that I saved and wanted to pass down to my future children. My high school diploma and the certificate for being salutatorian. All those photos I had saved in bags and bags to one day archive. All that was lost when we lost the house … and then lost the things in storage. I don’t talk about it a lot. I don’t even think about it a bunch. I’ve just moved forward. But a lot has crumbled over the years. A lot was lost. But we have each other. We have today. And, God willing, we have tomorrow.

It’s easy to be worried about tomorrow. I think I really wanted to write today because I came home to a quiet, empty house after hanging out spending time with my younger cousin and I really felt worried for her. Some of the things she told me about her life and the direction she wants to take it in concerns me. Not that I don’t think she will make it through in the end. We are ALL strong. It’s just I feel like she could be making it harder on herself. I want to give her advice, but at the same time, I don’t want her to feel like I am judging her decisions or trying to push her to a path that’s more my way. Everybody has their own way. I feel like once you get a certain age – she’s almost 20 – then you make your own decisions and choices. I just want to see the best for my family. And for myself.

As for my life … the conference last weekend really did change things. I went from orientation for my new position at work (my “promotion”) where my bosses outwardly showcased their negativity, hatred and inappropriateness to meeting 30,000 strangers who were loving, kind, ambitious, helpful, motivating and positive. So I have to try. I have to invest in my future and my family’s future. Like Tito Joey said, financial security is not promised even in a traditional job. I could be laid off tomorrow. The newspaper business is not so hot and working for companies who don’t even care about their employees, that’s the worst. I only get one life and one chance at all this. I keep seeing and hearing messages telling me to pursue my dreams. Don’t spend forever building up someone else’s.

Not counting internships or college work, I’ve been a professional writer for nearly three years now. That is how I’ve been making my income, paying my bills and putting food on the table. So why do I get my panties up in a bunch thinking it would be the most difficult thing in the world to write novels for a living? That’s what I want to do. That’s what I feel like would make me happy. I don’t have to be on the New York Time best sellers list. I don’t need to make a boat load of money. Fame and fortune are not necessarily what I am after. I’m not looking to be the next Nicholas Sparks, James Patterson or Stephenie Meyer. All that would be nice. But really, I just want to do it. I want to be able to say I’ve accomplished my dream. I just want to make a modest living to be able to pay my bills, put food on the table, provide for my family. I want to be able to be a role model for my daughter, so she can know that she can follow her dreams — and not just have to work a job she hates because that’s just how it is.

I think about her all the time. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. I never even considered the possibility of becoming someone’s stepmother. And now that I’m here, I realize I hadn’t ever fully thought of how difficult and complex this would be. And how absolutely amazing. I come from the most wonderful family. And then to fall in love with a man who not only fills my heart but comes from a family I love just as much as my own and who love and accept me like I am their own? The greatest thing.

I think I’m pregnant. I often do. I haven’t gotten my period since the first days of the new year. But seeing the negative strip on the test a couple weeks ago made me devastated. Again. I often feel like I’ll never experience life growing inside me. And that kills me. More than anyone can realize. But I have to speak positivity into the possibility.

I have to take action towards what I want.

after over 8 years, im thinking about stepping away from xanga. its been a great run. i still have a lot to say. but i feel like maybe the time has come to move on.

Another right-before-work xanga entry …

Man, I need to get this together and find work that fulfills me so I don’t always have this feeling in the mornings. So much to think about and so much to do. May God show me mercy, grace and favor. Amen.

And now I realize it’s a good thing that I often have to leave for work earlier than he does. When he goes first and I’m just left here, I miss him.

I just want him around.

Bed time. And end of weekend.

But my mind is still racing with job search, business plans, book ideas, wedding ideas, budget planning, diet and exercise planning, finishing The Art of Fielding … ugh, can we just rewind and do a repeat of Sunday?

This is my least favorite time of the season — when everybody leaves to go home after coming together for the holidays. But this last week has been so awesome, that this even this feeling is not so bad.

My mom, dad, sister and brother came down for Christmas and even brought my sister-dog Holly! I got to play hostess in the new house for the first time. I had been stressing about everything not be together and ready for company but it all went well. Santa came through and put presents under the tree. My baby had surprised me a couple weeks ago with a real tree and we decorated the weekend before the holiday. My mom and sister decked out my kitchen for me mostly while I was at work this week. I love them sooo much for that. I’m almost not afraid to actually use my kitchen now. Haha. Work was ridiculous this week cuz each day I was just super anxious to get home to my family and the pup. And work was just super slow it was just crazy too. This week may be similar, but maybe the week after things will start to normalize.

Speaking of work, I had a call back for a job interview at another paper. I have mixed feelings about it, and I’m not even sure I will be able to schedule the interview since I work just about all day. Honestly, I’m not really stunting it. Although I need to develop an exit strategy for my job, I am getting comfortable there. I’m mostly kinda just happy that I was one of the five chosen out of over 100 that applied for the position. I still got it. LOL.

But speaking about the holiday… it was so good to have ALL the cousins, my dad and his brothers, and my grandparents in one spot for atleast a little while at Christmas. Granny made a delicious Christmas dinner. We had done Christmas brunch at my house before going to the grandparents. Some of my cousins came to my place for the first time. We saw my grandfather at church for just about the first time in our lives. He came to Christmas Eve candlelight service because my cousin was singing. It was so great. She is so talented and it was just so good to see him there. I loved lighting the candles at church. When everyone was singing I just stood there and took it all in. My family took up an entire pew at church and part of another. Awesome. I love how my man interacts with my family too. We had been going through a little rough patch. This holiday was definitely needed.

Tomorrow is what has typically been my favorite holiday of the year — New Year’s Eve. I think it may just be a quiet one this time around. My parents and siblings have left and my grandparents went up north for a New Years party. Not sure what my cousins are doing, but if I’m not at church, I kinda just want to be home. Both me and the dude work tomorrow but are off Tuesday. For the life of me I can’t remember what we did last year for New Year’s but I’m definitely missing Biloxi this time of year — the lit-up boats, NYE fireworks on the beach and warmer weather. LOL. We got snow flurries here the other day! Oh, but anyway, we might go to church for watchlight service. That would be nice. I wouldn’t be opposed to a quiet evening home either.

This is usually the time where I reflect on the last year and what I’m looking forward to next year but this blog entry is getting long enough already. Well briefly, 2012 was full of change. I made a vision board for the first time last year and it is crazy to see how much has actually came true. The biggest thing of course was moving to a new state, getting a new job and moving into this house. This year I also freelanced more. The negative, however, was going from no debt to super debt, but I will be working to tackle that in 2013. Two things I had dreamed of for 2012 — getting married and becoming a mom — are things I have to push to another year. I have to admit, it was really hard for me around this holiday period seeing so many announcing pregnancies and engagements, getting married and celebrating the birthdays of their little ones, and myself being barren with no ring on my finger. At one point, I just wanted to totally unplug – no social media, no blogging, nothing – cuz although I want to be happy for everyone else, it really makes me sad to not be pregnant when I’ve been trying for two and a half years  and also to have been with my love for more than five years and not be married or really engaged (yeah, I feel that way when I don’t have an engagement ring and it’s never formally been announced to family and friends) when that means so much to me. But I just have to calm my anxious spirit and have faith that God will provide for me in His own time. This new year – 2013 – will be a year of preparation to getting my life where I want it to be. I want to really own my career as a writer. At the same time, I want to make sure to have the financial means to support myself and family. My cousins and uncle keep talking about starting a family business. My sister and parents also became involved in a new business this year and they’re hoping to get me or Justin on their team. I also want to better my health, finances and relationships in 2013. There’s got to be a trip in their somewhere too.

This has been a good end to a good year and I’m really looking forward to the next.

Weight, get off my heart. Why can’t I shake this off?

I haven’t written a poem in forever. But I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and emotions and this just came out.

I’m dedicating this poem to @HeadStrongChica — probably the only person who reads my mess of a xanga — who recently announced she and her husband are expecting their first child. (btw — i never said i was a good poet, so bear with me.)

 

Heartbeat

Heart
Beat
Blessed life
Source of joy I can’t describe

My world is yours
Don’t grow too fast
Darling legacy built
Off all the past

Small size, big love
The best of me
Our union grows
From two to three

Heart
Beat
Favorite sound
A miracle in you I’ve found

 

I need to write. My Christmas present to myself might be a good old fashioned journal. And maybe even some extra old fashioned pencils. You know the kinds you have to sharpen? As much as I love blogging, there is a time and a place. Many others have come to the same conclusion. It just might be the season to move all this personal junk offline.

I need to also work on expressing my thoughts and feelings aloud. Me and the dude have been not so good at all in the communications department lately. I hate to bottle things up but I’ve been especially cautious as of late (the past couple years actually) when it comes to venting my feelings about what’s going on in our relationship to others – especially to my family and friends. I’ve noticed that with me, it’s easy to keep the good things to myself but then be in need of someone to talk to when the shit hits the fan. This weekend I did something totally out of the usual and called twin. We haven’t really spoken in years. And to talk on the phone for over an hour? Weird. But it was good. Maybe it won’t be so bad if he moves up here.

What I really think I need though is therapy. Definitely couples counselling and probably individual sessions while I’m at it. Maybe in 2013?

I have a lot of hopes for this new year. So much to do. I guess that’s why they say to make every day count. So I better get off this computer and do something!

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